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MAKING THE BEST OF AN EMPTY NEST

Your teen is heading off to college. It’s a very different experience, even for parents whose children have elected to attend an institution nearby. Your college student may start college at a local two-year institution or be heading anywhere in the world to pursue his/her education.

There will be times your teen will need or want you involved, but there will times that you are the furthest thing from his/her mind. Just be aware that your relationship will look drastically different than it has in years past.

New Opportunities

There is idle time as well as rooms that are clean and stay clean. Parents sometimes feel uncomfortable without their role as primary caretaker and protector. Parenting is tough. The transition from live-in dependent to independent college student is difficult. You want to feel confident that your teen will be safe and equipped to make the proper decisions. But there is also a kind of satisfaction in knowing that your child will be alright.

Letting Go

You will be on the outside. This can be a difficult adjustment as when you are no longer needed in the same ways. Even though your student may have had some amount of independence while still under your roof, you won’t have access to every aspect of his/her life. You will no longer know the details of his/her whereabouts and will not able to pass judgement on his/her friends.

Personal Responsibility

It is necessary to give up some parental control, whether it’s giving advice about selecting courses or drinking. You have to allow your teen to make his/her own decisions. Your relationship will grow and change.

What Can I Do?

Redirect time and energy. Taking stock of personal interests and assets will reveal areas of life that may have been neglected. It can be a time to develop, reawaken, and pursue old and new hobbies, leisure activities, and careers.

As they play a new role in their teen’ life, parents must readjust their identity as parents and as a couple. The goal is to develop an adult-to-adult aspect of the parent-child relationship. Children always need parents, but the relationship may become more adult-like. Accepting that adult children want more privacy in certain areas of their lives is part of this process. If there are other children still at home, the entire family structure will change.

Discuss Values

The discussions which have occurred throughout the child's life serve as a foundation. Before the send-off, however, it is useful to re-discuss specific issues, since college students are usually confronted with situations involving sex, drugs, and alcohol as well as tough academic and interpersonal issues. Young adults benefit from hearing their parents' views on these issues when presented without moralizing or criticizing.

Address individual needs

Parents should investigate and inquire about available resources. Arranging for necessary services for students with a learning disability, mental illness, or physical condition should be done in advance. College staff are specially trained to work with students of this age and these specialists should be identified prior to arrival.

In the event of a crisis, it is preferable to support the student's own coping and problem-solving abilities rather than to rush in as savior, however difficult it is to hear cries of distress. Crises described from afar often sound worse than they are and can often change dramatically in the course of a few minutes or days. Parents, however, know student best and must assess when their he/she needs their more direct help.

Guide

Communicating educational goals and expectations should be done in a manner respectful of the student's own style and interests. College students need to pursue their own passions. Although parental input can be useful children should not be expected to live out their parents' dreams. Focusing on "my daughter the doctor" or "my son the lawyer" is unproductive. Parents must allow for the candlestick maker to emerge if that's what is best. College should be a time of self-discovery even if the process is marked by some false starts.

Plan ahead

In addition to all the details of hauling stuff off to campus and buying just the right desk lamp, decide about such things as checking accounts, phone cards, and spending money before hitting the road.

Determine appropriate expectations and guidelines and be explicit. Parents should anticipate future events and discuss issues such as curfews, financial contributions and roommate arrangements with romantic partners directly with the young adult. If parents expect or want a weekly phone call, they must say so. If parents and students want to spend a particular holiday together, they should plan ahead.

Allow for mistakes. Parents must encourage and accept the students ability to make independent decisions. Both the college student and the parents must realize mistakes will be made along the way - it's called life experience. Learning from mistakes is another type of learning.

MAKING THE BEST OF AN EMPTY NEST

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